I should be celebrating today. I should be baking a cake.  I should be lighting 19 candles.  I should have bought birthday presents. I should be smiling. I should be laughing at your jokes. I should be listening to you sing and play your drums, guitar, ukulele. I should be feeding you your favorite meal before I take you back to whatever college campus you should be living on, but… you’re not living.

Instead…I’m not sleeping at 3 a.m. I am sitting alone in your room with a candle lit…crying, sobbing, shoulders shaking, can’t catch my breath, ugly crying, wishing, praying…this is too much. It’s too much for a momma to take. 

I will go the cemetery.  I will wonder what you would look like, how tall you would be, what you would be working on a college degree for.  I will cry. I will hurt. I will miss you, like I do every single day.  Your life mattered to me, to your sisters, to your dad, and to so many others. Happy heavenly birthday, Trevor. I wish you were here to celebrate.