Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.


on September 26, 2015

I have changed a lot over the course of the past three years, nine months, and sixteen days. Some of the changes are physically visible. I have gained weight, lost hair, and my eyes don’t always shine like they used to.  I also have non visible physical changes. My heart can actually ache. It’s real. When I am really struggling, I can feel it in my heart. I also sometimes feel like I am going vomit, because I miss Trevor so badly or I have cried so hard. I get headaches from crying too much. There are times my knees get weak and I feel like I can’t stand.

Most of the changes in me are in my behavior, my demeanor, my response to things happening around me. I am much more compassionate, empathetic, and kind. I understand real pain and know that although we may not battle the same demons, everybody has some battle they fight, many times without it being known to others. I have learned that I can’t make people love me. I can only be someone who can be loved. I have learned that if I am angry, I need to deal with that without being cruel to some else. I pray that more people learn that lesson…soon.

Letting go of the need to please everyone has been the most freeing thing I have done. Don’t get me wrong. I love people.  I want to help people and I have always wanted people to like me.  We all do, right?  I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I also am not letting people continually hurt me. I have enough to deal with on a daily (yes, it is still daily) basis that I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to hear gossip or mean spirited talk about anyone. I want to live my life. I want to enjoy time with my friends and family, and I want to make the world a better place. I want to share Trevor’s story.

I know this may be hard to understand, but I feel like it needs to be said. I like the person I have become. I had regret for things that I said or did in the past, but I let that go. I am proud of how I live my life now. I am content with how I treat people. I don’t want to have any regrets…no should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. I want to get in bed at the end of each day and say, “God, thank you for this gift of another day. I did my best with it.” and I want to mean that because God knows the truth of the matter anyway.  Of course I miss Trevor. I love him more than I could ever explain. Trevor has probably taught me more lessons in his life and death than any other single person in my lifetime. My life is better because he was in it.

I appreciate the lessons I have learned and am still learning every day. I am thankful for a God of mercy, grace, and love. I am blessed to be able to share my journey with so many. I hope this blog reflects my new life as one of kindness, helpfulness, love, and understanding.  I hope that it puts a light on the hope that can be found in tragedy.  Most importantly, I hope that it honors the memory of my son.


One response to “Changes

  1. hoxrox says:

    You are an amazing woman and an inspiration! I am proud to callyou my cousin, and even more, my friend!! We need to plan a Saturday with your dad, and my mom to explore our ancestry–it will be amazing to see who we come from!! Love you to the moon and back!!

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