Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.

I Should…

on September 27, 2015

I should be celebrating today. I should be baking a cake.  I should be lighting 19 candles.  I should have bought birthday presents. I should be smiling. I should be laughing at your jokes. I should be listening to you sing and play your drums, guitar, ukulele. I should be feeding you your favorite meal before I take you back to whatever college campus you should be living on, but… you’re not living.

Instead…I’m not sleeping at 3 a.m. I am sitting alone in your room with a candle lit…crying, sobbing, shoulders shaking, can’t catch my breath, ugly crying, wishing, praying…this is too much. It’s too much for a momma to take. 

I will go the cemetery.  I will wonder what you would look like, how tall you would be, what you would be working on a college degree for.  I will cry. I will hurt. I will miss you, like I do every single day.  Your life mattered to me, to your sisters, to your dad, and to so many others. Happy heavenly birthday, Trevor. I wish you were here to celebrate.



3 responses to “I Should…

  1. Jodi Ziegler says:

    It isn’t fair, Dana. It simply isn’t’t fair. You are not alone in your grief. Although clearly not to the same degree, there are many, many people sharing these feelings with you, loving you, loving him. Prayers for peace in your heart today.

  2. Marty says:

    Big, big hugs to you today as you deal with your grief.

  3. Sally.com says:

    You are a wonderful person and a strong mom. God will watch over you!

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