It’s been a few weeks. Writing has been cathartic for me for the past few years. The past few weeks, though, have been a challenge. This morning I was thinking about the feeling of getting off a fast moving merry-go-round. Do you remember that feeling? You’re spinning faster and faster. The world is spinning around you and everything is a blur. When the ride comes to a stop and you step off, your head is spinning and all you can do is stand in place. You may hear people talking around you and even to you, but for a few seconds, you are unsure of who it is and where they are. You still feel like you are on the spinning ride. For me, that is how my grief has been for the past two weeks. I feel as if the world is moving rapidly around me and I can’t catch up. I need it to just stop spinning for a little while so that I can catch my breath. I need time…time to read, time to write, time to reflect, time with the Holy Spirit…I just need time.
With Trevor’s birthday just six days away, it feels as if the world is spinning around me so fast that I feel lost and am unsure where to step next because I can’t quite “see” where I am going. The past few years, although approaching Trevor’s birthday was not easy, I was able to concentrate on celebrating his life. After all, his birthday gave me a wonderful gift…the gift of a son that God gave me to love on this earth for 15 years, 2 months, and 12 days. I am not sure why my heart isn’t allowing me to feel that way this year . I have written about the disconnect between my head and heart before. It’s happening again. I appreciate the advice people want to share reminding me that I need to celebrate Trevor’s life this week. I want to celebrate his life. I love my son. I have done enough research on grief to know what is “suggested” for me to do as his birthday approaches. I have been through his birthday three other times and I remember getting through them all. I know I will get through this one too, but my heart doesn’t “know” what my head does. I am not sure how to convince my heart that Trevor’s birthday is the day to remember the living young man. It was the day that gave him life and not the ugly dark day that took his life.
I remember the first time that I felt this way. The day after Trevor’s funeral, when our company had all left; Jeff, the girls and I were alone. Everyone went back to work, back to normal, but we were on this uncontrollable ride, where although the world was spinning around us, we were not sure how to navigate it. It felt as if we may fall with each step. The silence in our home was deafening and the reality was setting in. It has been 3 years, 9 months, and 6 days since we buried our son. There are times that the days go by rather smoothly and there are days that drag and are brutal. I have a list of things that have helped and a list of things that haven’t. You know what is funny? Some of the same things are on both lists. What works one time to get me over another grief mountain seems to hurt (steepen the climb) the next time. My grief is as uncontrollable as that feeling of getting off the whirling merry-go-round. Yes, I know I can get through this week. I am just not sure what it is that is going to get me through it.
I know one thing. OK, I know a few more things than just one, but there is one thing that is certain for me this week. God is already there. He’s here with me today. He will be here tomorrow. On Sunday, when I wake up on what should be Trevor’s 19th birthday, God will be there, too. He will never forsake me. His grace is enough. The blessed assurance that I have with my faith will get me through. My head knows that. My heart knows that. As soon as the merry-go-round stops spinning, I will get back to life. It seems that for now, I just need to do what I can do to get by.
It is of Your mercies, Lord, that we are not consumed, because Your compassions do not fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. ~Lamentations 3:22-23
danacox31 
May I make a suggestion ? Sunday, on Trevor’s birthday at both services we announce our Wed. Night dinner to raise money for your families walk for Suicide Awareness in October in Trevor’s memory? Will it be easy no ❤ Will it get you off the merry go round ? Probably not 😦 Please let your tribe do this and you need to focus on your self, your sweet husband and those beautiful girls<3 To remember is a Holy Thing !!!
Yes. Let’s talk about the dinner at church tomorrow. I love you, Leah, and we are blessed by your support.
Again I am so moved by your writing. Your faith is amazing and an inspiration to me. I thank God everyday that I have not suffered the tragic loss of a child. I do have a 13 year old grandson named Trevor. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We have never met but I feel like I am a part of your inner circle by getting these writings. Thank you for sharing Dana. I have been a widow for 11 years now and the grief sometimes is still so raw and other days not so much.
God bless you, Kathy. Thank you for your kind words.