danacox31

Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.

A Mother’s Day Reflection

on May 11, 2018

This is a blog post that I wrote on Mother’s Day 2014 on the Serenity Hospice and Home Facebook Page.  Although I may still get a little weepy this weekend, reading this post made me realize how far I have come.  Trevor Jeffery will forever be a light in my life.  I am thankful for his life.  I love the little glimpses of heaven God gives to me of Trevor. Though he isn’t physically with me, he is still so very close.  My heart is full.  My son, my daughters, and my son-in-law all help me celebrate this day for what it is.  I also grieve for those that cannot celebrate on this day and know how hard it can be.  May peace and comfort and glimpses of heaven surround you all this weekend and the love of God strengthen those who struggle on this day.

When I was a child, Mother’s Day was the day that I needed to really show my mom how much I loved her. It usually came with a gift that I had made at school…a Dixie cup with a planted marigold, a finger-painted hand-print, or a charming poem. I remember the Mother’s Day of 1981, as the greatest with my mom. I was in 5th grade. I had a paper route and had been saving up to buy a “boom box”, which was a necessity for a preteen in that time. On the day before Mother’s Day, my mom’s hand mixer broke. My mom is a great cook. I imagine I must have thought about how the broken mixer could limit the chocolate chip cookies my mom would make. Anyway…I realized that a new mixer would be a great Mother’s Day gift. I walked to “Hardware Hank” and bought my mom a mixer. I remember running home. It wasn’t wrapped, but I burst through the door and gave her the best gift I have ever given her. It seems a little silly now, but in that time in our lives, she needed that mixer and I needed to show her how much I loved and appreciated her. She cried and I beamed with pride. When I became a mom, Mother’s Day made me appreciate my mom even more because I realized the work and the love and the time that she had really given to me when I was a child. I also became aware of the influence of so many other “mothers” in my life. I was blessed with wonderful grandmas and great-grandmas, all of whom loved me unconditionally and helped to shape me into the person I have become. I have aunts that seem more like sisters to me that I am thankful for, too. I have had guidance and influence from the mothers of friends throughout my life and when I was 23, added a special mother-in-law to this terrific group of women. Now I have many friends that are old enough to be my mom and I value their friendship and guidance, too. I hope that every day all of these women (especially my own mom) know that I value and appreciate and love them. This is my 3rd Mother’s Day since Trevor died. This day isn’t what it used to be. As I was reflecting this morning on what this day has become to me, I realized that I am short-changing my daughters…and my son. I remember the extreme happiness in my heart on the day that I gave my mom that hand mixer 33 years ago. I asked my husband and daughters, as I have the past few years, to please let this day go by quietly, peacefully, unnoticed. Maybe this day isn’t really about me and my grief. Maybe this day is about my children being able to show me that they appreciate me, like I appreciate my mom. I had a really rough week this week. My wonderful husband texts me on his break each day to check in and just tell me that he loves me. On Thursday, the text he sent said he was worried about me. I hadn’t been myself all week. When I replied, “I just want to get this week over with”, his response was “That’s what I thought it was. I love you.” Instantly, it hit me. I was struggling because this was the week of Mother’s Day. I anticipate the grief that will hit me on so many days, Mother’s Day is one of the hardest. I don’t plan it. I didn’t set out last Monday with the idea that I was going to have a rough week and that Mother’s Day was approaching. I have mentioned before the extreme disconnect between my head and heart that has increased immensely since Trevor died. This is just another example of that. In my head, I really want to celebrate by mom today. I want to thank her, my mother-in-law, my grandma, my aunts, my friends. I want my girls to smile and be able to tell me “Happy Mother’s Day” without me falling apart. My heart, though…my heart has other plans. I want to know how to fix it, but maybe I just can’t. There are so many people that this day is difficult for…those that have lost their moms, mothers that have lost children, women that long to have children and can’t, and even those who had mothers that didn’t give them the love and care that they saw others experience. For those struggling today, for whatever reason, my prayer is that they can find peace and comfort in some part of this day to be thankful for. For me, I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful that God gave me three beautiful children to love and that although my son left me way too soon, his life, along with his sisters’, are shaping me into the woman I am. I am a better mother, wife, and person because I have the greatest children and wonderful women in my life. I am going to try to smile today, to laugh, and to love. Please understand that if I can’t, it isn’t because I don’t want to. It’s because my heart won’t let me. Today and every day, though, I am thankful God allowed me to be a mom and that he blessed me with so many influential women in my life. Peace, Dana


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