I can’t write in one post about everything that I learned over my first two weeks at seminary. I want to document some of the highlights though. As much as I gained knowledge, I also lost some things. I lost grudges that have weighed on me for years. I lost doubts about myself (of what I should be doing) and I gained confidence in what I am capable of doing. I lost emotional pain that has burdened me for a long time. My life is not the same. I am not the same. This is GOOD NEWS!
I was stretched physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in the most amazing ways. I have returned home to my husband, whom I am so in love with, and our terrific daughters and son-in-law, who all bring such joy to my life. I have a lot of work ahead of me. This is a four-year program, but I am all in. God opened doors to get me here and I am going to keep responding to God’s call. Life is good. Life is really and truly good.
Grief isn’t my enemy anymore. Grief is my friend. We’ve worked things out, grief and I. I know there will still be times when grief will take over this relationship, but I know how to work with grief and not let grief hang around for long. I need this grief though. Grief is the feeling of the emptiness in my heart without my son’s physical presence on earth, but my love for Trevor…my love for him covers all of that pain and more. My grief and love for my son have helped shape who I am today and who I will continue to be.
I am going to put all of the love I have for Jesus behind everything I do from here on out. He saved me. He redeemed me. I hope to share the news of what he has done for me (and will do for anyone) with people for many years to come. On the drive home from seminary I heard the song Control (Somehow You Want Me) by Tenth Avenue North and felt the lyrics deep into my very soul. The second verse, in particular, speaks so loudly to me now…
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
To redeem and restore me
You’re behind and before me
Oh, help me believe
But somehow you want me
Oh, how you love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go
I have attached the lyric video so that someone else may feel the love of God wrapping them up, preparing them to be used for God’s kingdom, even if they don’t believe in themselves. Jesus transforms lives every day. I can promise you that because he is transforming mine…even though I don’t deserve it, even though I can’t even believe it myself, even though I thought God deserted me just a few years ago. Here I am.
danacox31 
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