Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.

It’s Getting Harder to Breathe

on December 7, 2016

I am not sure how I got here, to where I am now, I mean. This Friday will mark 5 years since Trevor died.  Unbelievable.  At that time, numerous people said “the first year is the hardest” or “get through this first year and it will be easier”. I remember thinking, “Are you kidding me? Get through this first year? How am I supposed to do that?” Here is what I done for the past 5 years…I’ve prayed. I’ve cried. I’ve screamed. I’ve missed a lot of sleep. I’ve read books about grief and books about faith. I’ve written, spilling all of my emotions into this blog and other social media, hoping that just maybe my honesty might help someone else. I’ve talked and talked and talked to so many people that mean so much to me. Most importantly, I’ve reflected on Trevor…his life, every little thing about his mannerisms, his intelligence, and his personality. He was such an amazing kid. He had so much going for him. In the blink of an eye, it was all gone. If I didn’t have faith, I am sure I would not be here today. Three things have kept me going. One, knowing my son has a purpose, an important purpose and in life and death, he is fulfilling that purpose. Two, my daughters and husband need me here, as much as I need them. Finally, God is good. Faith has me sitting here, sharing my hurt and my heart with whoever is reading this. I have mentioned before how I do not understand why people constantly tell me how strong I am. I am not strong. I am just doing all I can to survive, to breathe, to live…without my son, physically here to hold. There are times I feel like I am totally crazy. There are times I cannot control the tears and the emotions that rage through me. I am not strong, but I am a survivor.  I have learned a lot the past 5 years and if I can share anything to help others who are grieving Trevor, or anyone else they love, it is this…reflect on Trevor’s life, not his death. He lived 15 years, 2 months, and 12 days and every single one of those days were blessings. He was happy. He was loved. He was funny. He was smart. He was caring. Please don’t think of his death. Think of his life. Try to smile and share stories about the amazing young man he was. I am blessed to be his momma and am thankful for making it through another year, but it isn’t because I am strong. It’s because I didn’t have a choice.


4 responses to “It’s Getting Harder to Breathe

  1. Cathy Warren says:

    Love you Dana, this is beautiful! Thank you for sharing Trevor’s life with me, I smile when I think of him. Trevor and I never met and yet I feel like I know him, and I believe I will have an opportunity to meet this amazing, funny young man someday.

  2. Larry Mein says:

    Amen, you are telling it like it is. You are, however, a lot stronger than you think otherwise you would not be able to share with the rest of us. And it does help us. Thank you for sharing. Love and hugs.

  3. Linda Lennon says:

    I believe you don’t think of yourself as ‘strong’. But you are. Because you had to be, to survive each day since Trevor’s death. Life gives each of us challenges and obstacles along the way, and we all have to be strong in order to survive. You and your family are a blessing to all of us. Much love, Dana!

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