As I focus on HOPE this week, I still find myself grieving desperately for my son. This time of year is still difficult. I have HOPE that I will be able to have more joy in this season than sorrow, but I know that it will not come without faith, time, and patience while I wait.
Yesterday, our sermon was about waiting. Pastor said that there are two types of waiting. We either wait in fear or we wait in joy. When I relate his sermon to the HOPE I have for this season, I know what I need to do as I wait. I need to wait with as much joy as I can muster and focus on the HOPE that came with the birth, life, and death of Christ. I need to let go of the fear of going through this season without Trevor’s physical presence and allow myself to see the HOPE and joy in the faces of our daughters and soon to be son-in-law. I need to remember the Christmases past, with all of our children and allow myself time to grieve for Trevor.
Pastor talked about waiting passively. I think that was what I was doing, just trying to wait for this season to end. I was waiting in fear and sadness, but Pastor has challenged me to wait actively. That is what I need to do to get through this season with the part of my heart that is still in one piece.
Grieving is much like waiting in this Advent season in anticipation of Christ’s birth. If you passively wait, as if standing in the line at the grocery store, without thinking about anything or doing anything, the wait is long and difficult. It is hard to passively wait. However, if I were actively waiting…studying scripture, focusing on the reason for the season, remembering Trevor and being thankful for my 15 years, 2 months, and 12 days with my son, the wait is less fearful and more joyful.
As I placed the Charlie Brown Christmas tree in his room last night, I prayed for the Holy Spirit to help guide me through the season. I prayed that I would be able to grieve for my son and find joy for my girls. Grieving takes work. If I just wait for it to be over, it will never change. I need to actively grieve and allow time for it, just like I must actively wait through this Advent season and focus on what it really is I am waiting for.
My December will never be what it used to be, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t actively wait for the HOPE that it will be more joyful than the past few years. It will not come without tears, heartache, and pain. It will not come without wanting to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed until the new year. The joy will not come unless I allow myself time to grieve and time to focus on the HOPE of the season and the love of a God that never fails.
Whatever things were written before were written for my learning, that through patience and comfort of the scriptures I might have HOPE.~ Romans 15:4
danacox31 
Leave a Reply