As I walked with my family and friends yesterday in an Out of the Darkness Walk to support the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, it became apparent that the journey I am on has been thrust upon many other mommas. As we checked in before the walk, we were given beads of various colors, respectful of why we were walking. Jeff and I received white beads, which were given to parents who had lost a child to suicide. Our girls received orange for sibling loss. There were several other colors given for other walkers.
I was a little teary eyed as I placed the white beads over my head. I am not sure if it was the fact that those beads would tell everyone I passed that I am a surviving momma or if it was because it was just another in the thousands of steps I have taken and will always take without my son. I was humbled as I passed other women with white beads around their necks. Meeting eyes with these women was both sad and powerful. Our mutual white beads meant that although we may take the path in different directions, we were all forced to walk the path none of us ever wanted. The pain in the eyes of others was like a mirror image. Some would look in my eyes and quickly look away. Others would look a little longer which gave me an “I got you” kind of feeling. These women I have never met, yet knew so much about me (and I, about them) solely because we wore white beads. On our way home,
Jeff said that it was powerful to see so many people walking. It was both overwhelming and comforting to see that so many others are dealing with the tragedy that our family is.
This morning I was led to Hebrews 12:1-3…”Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
I am certain of several things this morning. Although this is not the journey I had planned for my life, I am fit for the race. I love Trevor so much and I miss him desperately. The power of the Holy Spirit guides me. Keeping my eyes on Jesus, the darkness of suicide is washed away with the love for my son. Focusing on Trevor’s life and running God’s race will get me exactly where I was meant to be. Suffering is just a training ground for Christianity. I hope that my witness may stir others to run the race also.
danacox31 
Leave a Reply