I wrote this one year ago today and posted it on the Serenity Facebook page. It is very relevant today, as my family and a few friends are walking in Trevor’s memory in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Out of the Darkness Walk. I know my writing is sometimes hard to read. I write in an effort to comfort others who are grieving and also to be a light of hope for those need it. I am thankful for my faith and the grace God gives me each day in this life. I need to go lace up my uncomfortable shoes and honor my son today…
Today’s thoughts on my grief journey…I wonder if I’m selfish. I woke up this morning with the thought that I would like to wake up one morning and have amnesia, just for an hour. I would like to wake up one morning and just feel the happiness and comfort that I felt before Trevor died. I may not have always acknowledged it then, but I really had it all. I was blessed with great faith, a wonderful husband, children that are my world, a home to keep us warm, food to fill us all, and everything we needed to thrive in this world. If I am going to be honest, I was thankful to God for what I had, but I didn’t wake up each morning and acknowledge how blessed I was. So why is it that when I wake up now, the first thought in my mind is that Trevor is STILL gone and things will never be the same? I wish I could wake up one morning and just feel the warmth of our home, the love of family and friends, and the happiness that I used to have. Please don’t misunderstand me. I know that people love me. I am grateful for all that I have. Each and every day, though, I have this pain that I carry with me that will never go away. I can be happy…even joyful. I can laugh. I can love life. There has not been a morning that I have opened my eyes and not had the reality of Trevor’s death be my first thought. I don’t want to ever forget him. I know that you all know that I love my son beyond measure. I wish that for just a short time my heart could feel the way it felt before the afternoon of December 9, 2011. It is hard to explain to those that have not lost a child. Cathy recently gave me a poem about uncomfortable shoes. The poem does a good job trying to describe what it is like every day for me. The original poem has an unknown author. My version goes like this…
I am wearing a pair of shoes, ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes. Every day I wear them and every day I wish I had another pair. There are times that my shoes hurt so much that I feel as if I can’t take another step. I still keep wearing them. Occasionally I get strange looks from other people. They may be looks of sympathy, but I can tell they are glad that the shoes are mine and not theirs. Very few people ever want to talk about my shoes. It could be because they don’t really want to know how painful these shoes really are. If you want to try to understand how these shoes really feel, you have to walk in them. When you put them on, though, you can never take them off. I know there are many other pairs of these shoes in the world and I am not the only one wearing them. Although there are days that I feel as though I have learned to walk in them and they don’t hurt as much, there are also days that they feel more unsteady and tighter. I wonder if there will come a day when I have worn these shoes so long that I will not think about how much they really hurt me anymore. No momma deserves to wear these shoes. I know, though, thanks be to God, that I am a stronger woman from having to wear these shoes. In these shoes, I can face anything. These shoes have made me who I am today. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who rubbed her son’s chest and stroked his hair, as he took his last breath.
Peace, Dana
danacox31 
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