Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.


on August 17, 2015

Imagine…the song was played at Trevor’s funeral.  It often comes to mind when I find myself daydreaming of what Trevor would be doing at any certain time.  So many of his friends are heading off to college and I wonder what he would be pursuing right now.

The longing for him (the grief) that I have this morning, I have had each year that school begins, since his death.  A new beginning is always exciting.  For our family, this “Back to School” season is full of changes.  Megan and Austin are heading into their junior year at NIU.  Amy Lynn is beginning a new and exciting way of education for her junior year of high school.  I wonder where Trevor would be heading?  I am certain he would’ve went off to college and I wonder what his major would have been.  Music?  Engineering?  Science?  Medicine?

One night when we were hanging out with our friends, the Zieglers, Jodi asked Trevor what he wanted to be.  He said he was interested in being an anesthesiologist. He loved music.  He had such a way of making people laugh.  Jodi suggested he become a “comedic-drumming-anesthesiologist.”  Would that be his choice, if he were here today?  People don’t understand why I keep wondering about where Trevor would be or what he would be doing.  I can’t really answer that “why” myself.  I am not sure.  I know that he is not here.  I know that he will not ever personally do anything on this earth again.  I often personally wonder why I keep creating these images/daydreams of him.  The reality is obvious.  The pain in my heart and the knot in my stomach assure me that his life is over.  The grieving that I am feeling today is for all Trevor won’t do, as it has been as each school year begins.

I don’t think I will ever be able to let his future go. I believe that when Trevor’s best friend, Ben, gets married some day, I will imagine Trevor’s marriage.  As his friends age, I will look at them and try to picture what he would look like.  I often wonder how tall Trevor would have been today.  The longing for him is for the past 3 years, 8 months, and 8 days that I have lived without him, but it is also for the days, months, and years that are still going to keep coming.  As I reflected on all of this this morning, I questioned if my feelings are selfish.  I am longing for what I am missing.  I don’t get to see how much my son was capable of. I don’t get to meet his wife or spoil his children.  Is it really just about me?

I don’t think so.  I grieve for my husband.  I can sometimes look in his eyes and see the pain that our son’s death is causing him.  I ache for Jeff, because of the love that I have for him.  I know my own pain and don’t want anyone else to experience it, especially someone else that I love so very much.  I grieve for my daughters and how much they miss their brother.  As Megan and Austin are planning their wedding, and finding subtle ways to include Trevor in their big day, I can see Megan’s longing for her brother to be in her life during this important time.  Amy’s school experience was forever changed by Trevor’s death. She grew up so quickly.  I see how much she misses him so often and hope that the changes that we have made for the current year are beneficial to her and allow her to fly all on her own.

My grief isn’t all my own.  I carry grief for Jeff and the girls, for Austin, and for Trevor’s friends. I have seen the pain in the faces of my parents.  I know that their grief is not only about the grandson they lost, but also about the pain that I, their own child, struggle with.  Grieving for Trevor’s future is really grieving for our own.  Our futures are different because he is not here to share our lives with us.  He was missed yesterday.  He is missed today.  He will be missed tomorrow.  The impact of his life is apparent when I look around at how many people’s futures were changed because Trevor lived in the first place. For that, I am thankful. I am a better person because God let me be Trevor’s mom.


2 responses to “Imagine

  1. Larry Mein says:

    yeap the truth

  2. lpcox60 says:

    Everytime we hear the song Imagine.. Grandpa Cox gets tears in his eyes.. Trevor’s song, he calls it. We also wonder all these things about our Grandson that left us years too soon. ❤

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