I am unsure if my life should be described as “transformed” or if it has “evolved”. All I know, for certain, is that my life is new, different than before, and I am no longer sure of the person I used to be. I am not born again. I have not been saved recently. I have always known God, but my relationship with Him is new. The death of a child is obviously life altering for a mother. Before Trevor’s funeral, my dad gave me the book “Why?” by Adam Hamilton, which a friend of his had given to Dad for both he and I to read after Trevor died. Looking back, that book may have been what got me started on the right path. Don’t get me wrong. I was in the trenches. The days I wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed outnumbered the ones I actually let my feet hit the floor without thinking…by many. With the agonizing heartache of guilt, regrets, and missing my sweet boy, I needed God. I knew there wasn’t a possibility that I would survive the tragedy without Him. Looking for God in a world full of tragedy, violence, and pain can seem difficult at times, but His great works are all around me and there are many people living on this earth to be the hands and feet of Jesus. The Holy Spirit moves me to be a better person. I want to change the world and not let the pain of the world change me. This morning during my devotion, Romans 12:2 spoke to me. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” Trevor’s death was not the will of God. His will is good. God is here to help us through times of trouble. In having free will, people do bad things. People make mistakes…life changing, death-making mistakes. God is there to help us through these terrible tragedies, if we open our hearts and trust the peace and love that He brings. Knowing God doesn’t stop bad things from happening, but knowing Him does help to get through things that alone we could not endure. I know how easy it would be to pull the covers over my head and give up on this painful life. I still have those thoughts occasionally. I see the beauty of this world, because first I experienced the very darkest. This is my story of hope. I miss Trevor every single day. I love him and that love is what makes his death so painful, but I know that his death has transformed me, or allowed me to evolve, into this person filled with peace, hope, and love.
Now the God of hope fill me with all joy and peace in believing, that I may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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