Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.

Feeling Convicted

on March 24, 2016

It hit me this morning. As I was sitting with my cup of coffee, my Bible, and Disciplines an unsettling feeling came over me and I am not sure how to resolve it.  On this Maundy Thursday of this Holy Week, I am struck with the guilt of not loving others as Jesus has loved me. Today’s scripture is John 13:1-17 and 31-35. Jesus is washing the feet of his disciples…all of his disciples, knowing that Judas was about to betray him and that Peter would deny him not once, but three times. Jesus still washed the feet of Judas and Peter. Amazing!

Even though the commandment to love others had been around since Leviticus, loving others as Christ loved others is another thing. This sacrificial love is hard to even fathom. As I sat this morning soaking it in, I was astonished. This awestruck wonder is peculiar to me because I have read this story over and over throughout my life, but today…today it leaves me feeling different. I’m sure that every time I have read it I have been in awe, considering the love of Jesus. I just don’t think I have ever felt so convicted by this passage.

In my life, I do my best to be kind and caring to others. I am involved in a benevolence ministry that reaches many and I feel called to help the people that most often haven’t yet found the love of Jesus Christ, even though he is right there and available to them every day.  I have had many talks with my pastor and others on our team regarding what Jesus would do in certain situations. The help for one case may be a detriment to another similar case. We pray, discern,  and discuss situations every week and in some weeks, every day. Maybe I need to keep today’s scripture in mind when discerning these situations.

In my own life, I am feeling convicted of not being a living example of God’s love. I want to love others, but I have gotten out of the love business in my own life. Don’t get me wrong. I love a lot of people. I care about people I do not even know, but since Trevor died, in protecting myself, I have not loved others as Jesus loves me. I have most certainly not shown love to others the way that Jesus did and still does, especially being reminded of this love on the night of Judas’ betrayal and the hours that followed.

Because the grief is so overwhelming (yes, still, after 4 years, 3 months, and 15 days) I feel as if I am not able to handle any additional personal burdens. When I have been present with family members or friends that need to be shown the love and grace of Jesus, I have chosen to not display that same sacrificial love to them. Because I so often feel like I cannot hold any other burden beyond the grief for my son, I have chosen to ignore, as much as I possibly can, the burdens of others that are close to me.

Through the benevolence ministry, I have displayed God’s love to strangers, but in my personal life, I have not shown that love to people close to me.  I think this is because although I care for strangers, I do not feel the need to take their grievances or struggles on as my own.  With the people that I care most about, though, it is hard for me not to let their pain become my own and to be honest, I just don’t think I can handle any additional pain.

I love my family. I love my friends, but love isn’t just a feeling. Love is an attitude that reveals action. Offering a hand although you have another place to be, giving of time and understanding even when we are hurting ourselves, and absorbing someone else’s pain without fighting back…these are actions that display the love of Christ. Yes, I have my own pain to bear, but I cannot become unfeeling to the pain of others. I want people to be able to see the love of Christ through me. It has taken me a few years to notice it was missing, but now that I have recognized it, how am I going to move forward?





One response to “Feeling Convicted

  1. Dava Beckham says:

    Move forward one step at a time with Jesus Christ’s help.
    God is slowly healing your heart and your growth and willingness to be authentic and loving will be a part of your continued healing process. We each have ,our test and trials. Lovely post. THANK YOU FOR SHARING!

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