Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.

Peace…still looking

on December 7, 2015

It has started…the waking up in the middle of the night with images in my head that won’t allow me to sleep anymore.  I am trying to focus on PEACE for this second week of Advent. I know that we are far from world peace. I need peace in my heart and in my head. 

I am on my fourth trek of approaching the day Trevor died. It really isn’t easier…not for me. I feel like I am climbing a snowy mountain with huge heavy boots. The closer I get to December 9th, at the top of the mountain, the more snow packs on my boots, making them heavier with every step.  Every year I try to find another way to get through that day, but the images that keep me awake in the middle of the night are the images that won’t allow peace for my heart or my mind.

I wish there was a magic pill that I could take right now that would cause me to sleep until December 10. The 10th is my wedding anniversary. Like my youngest daughter’s birthday, just two days ago, December 10th brings good feelings, peace in my heart, and peace to my mind.

I have tried to ease the pain of December 9th (and what has turned into several days before it) by looking for different ways to spend the day to make it easier to cope. I tried to drink it away. I only learned that no amount of wine will bring my son back and it only leads to more depressing thoughts and a horrible headache. I have tried to think about a way to celebrate Trevor’s life on December 9th, but for me, that is just not possible. December 9th is the day that took him from me, from his sisters, his dad, our family, and so many friends.

I need PEACE this week. I have a war within my mind as I wonder if it is irony that has brought me to this point…really focusing on Advent this year and searching for PEACE in the week of my life that was the most tragic. Perhaps that is what was supposed to help me through it this year…a somber search for PEACE. I’m just not sure I can find it.
Last night our daughters were putting make-up on each other. Although each of them knew the other was doing a horrible job (on purpose), they sat until each was finished and both looked in the mirror. The laughter from them both that followed was contagious. I laughed…for one minute, my mind was on something else. I need constant distraction, like my daughters laughing, to get me through these three remaining days…BUT I know that I also need calm, quiet, peaceful time to meet with my grief, sit down with it, and talk like old friends. I need to feel the pain of Trevor’s death because that is how I can feel the amount of love I have for him. I can’t feel it in a hug from him. I must rip the bandage off the hole in my heart and let it bleed.

I might find PEACE for my heart and mind this week, but it might be after Wednesday. I know where to look. I know that the Holy Spirit is with me. I know that I can sit and talk with God. I am faithful, but if I am being really honest, I haven’t come far enough that I have PEACE from His love and grace during this week…maybe next year.



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