We’ve all heard the saying, “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and see they were the big things.” I am dealing with an example of that this week.
I was blessed with an amazing day with Trevor exactly two weeks before he died. I love any time that I spend with my kids and we don’t have to do anything special, but November 25, 2011 was a fantastic day for Trevor and I, just the two of us.
On my mom’s side, we have a family tradition of the women going shopping on Black Friday. My entire childhood, my mom and her two sisters would shop with my grandma on the day after Thanksgiving. I wasn’t allowed to go as a child and was not invited to go until I had children of my own. For some reason, that rule changed over the years and my daughters were invited, as children. Although Megan loved that shopping trip, Amy most often preferred to stay home with her dad or with Papa (my grandpa.)
On Thanksgiving 2011, as we all sat around my Grandma’s table after dinner, rummaging through sale flyers and mapping out our route for the very early next morning, Trevor spotted a few “Early Bird” specials that he wanted to try to get his hands on. He was kindly reminded this was a “girls only” day. Trevor shared his disappointment with this unfair rule and he and I decided to go shopping together on that day, just the two of us.
Trevor and I set off just after 4 a.m. on that Friday morning. Most of the trip was uneventful. We waded through the crowds, waited patiently in long checkout lines, and bought several Christmas gifts. We laughed a lot. It really was a great day. The best of it happened in the car. On the way home, we created a memory that I will always treasure. Trevor loved music. Music was one of my favorite things to talk to him about. The song “Stereo Hearts” by Gym Class Heroes (featuring Adam Levine) came on the radio. Trevor turned the volume up. If you don’t know that song, Adam Levine sings the chorus and the verses are rapped/spoken by Travie McCoy. Neither of us said a word, but I received a wonderful gift in a memory from that day. I began singing Adam Levine’s part and Trevor took Travis McCoy’s part. We performed the whole song that way…loud and proud. What a duet! When it was over, I said, “That was awesome!” I can still remember the smile on Trevor’s face and the exact way that he looked at me in response. I will never forget that.
Although it was a little memory that may seem insignificant to anyone but me, I truly treasure that experience. I enjoyed it so much that later that evening, I asked Trevor to help me put a “Stereo Hearts” ringtone on my cell phone. I have changed phones once since then, but kept the same ringtone. I have had it for three and a half years. I got a new phone last week and it is still sitting in the box on my kitchen counter. I have a dilemma.
This may seem petty and very insignificant to most of you, but to me, the choice of whether or not to change my ringtone is a huge deal. I want to change it, to update my ringtone, but I feel like I would be letting another little piece of my son go. This is so hard to try to explain. His “stuff” is here. I can listen to his music, read his books, and wear his hoodies. The memory of us riding in the car that day, singing our hearts out, is truly such a treasured gift. When I start feeling like I did something to let Trevor down, something that might have allowed or caused his death to happen, I am reminded of that day. I see his face in the car and the smile and look he gave me then, just two weeks before he died, still seems to speak to me. That look is reminding me that he loved me, he enjoyed our time together, and it makes me feel like maybe I’m not a horrible mom.
I guess the point of all this is, treasure every moment. The little things can be the big things. Physical stuff can come and go, but memories are ours to keep forever. I guess I have figured out while sharing this story with you that I can change the ringtone on my phone. I am not letting go of another piece of Trevor, but keeping the memory of that day, now documented, tucked safely in my mind and the emotions from that day a treasure in my heart. This is yet another step.
My hearts a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note
Make me your radio
And turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo
danacox31 
❤
Dana, this is the best so far. Very introspective, insightful and emotional. It moved me to tears but I feel hopeful that you are healing that broken heart and this decision to change ringtone strikes me as a major breakthrough for you. This blog seems to be very cathartic and helping you move forward after losing Trevor. I look forward to the next….