Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.


on June 15, 2015

This morning I am writing before the sun rises. There is something about the peace of the darkness. With my cup of coffee and Jeff already on his way to work, the night is over. However, it doesn’t quite seem like daytime either. It reminds me of the twilight zone  I felt I was in for the first few weeks following Trevor’s death. The life I was moving through seemed unreal. I was numb. It wasn’t my world anymore. After the funeral was over and people quit coming over the quiet of our home was both comforting and yet frightening.

I remember the first prayer I prayed really begging for help for myself. My heart hurt so badly. I was certain I would not survive the heartache and remember asking God to show me how to live through this life without my son’s physical presence. I cannot describe the intense emotion behind that prayer. Other than our prayers for Trevor to survive on that horrible night, I had never in my life wanted something so badly. I wanted to live but had no idea how I would do it. That prayer, which probably lasted all of 2 minutes, put me on a new path.  It provided a new avenue for the road map of my life.  In the minutes following the prayer, I was comforted.  The next day was better and my daily prayer life began. 

I have prayed for most of my life, but like many people, I used prayer to express gratitude for food or”stuff” in my life.  I used prayer to ask for things.  I hadn’t honestly used prayer to just carry on a conversation with God, but starting that has changed my life. Because He is a living God, I know that I am able to communicate with Him, just as I communicate with people around me every day.  I am thankful that to communicate with Him, there is no need to wait for the e-mail to be opened or the call to be answered.  He and I have a direct connection all the time. He is never too busy.  Just like my marriage, my relationship with God is only as strong as my communication with Him.  The more time you spend talking with someone the more you get to know them and the closer your relationship becomes.  I no longer use prayer only for thanks and requests.  I most often use prayer time to catch up with God, just as if I would to catch up with a friend. 

In a recent study at church, I was blessed to strengthen my prayer life even more.  Twelve people in this group were paired off and spent 40 days with a partner in prayer.  For each of the 40 days, we all read the same devotion and prayed daily, met both  alone with our prayer partners and with the group once a week.  I learned more about prayer and became more comfortable with it.  On one of the days, we were to pray the Jesus prayer (Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.) as often as we thought of it through out the day.  I am not sure how many times throughout the day I said the prayer out loud, whispered it, or thought it in my head, but the connection I felt that day was amazing. 

I may not be great at prayer, but that is not what is expected of me.  God’s invitation to get to know Him is recorded all throughout the Bible.  He knows what is in my heart.  I don’t have to say anything.  He knows my thoughts, my feelings, and my needs.  He knows what I am thankful for and count as blessings in my life, but just like any relationship communication is a necessity.  My renewed relationship with God has changed my life and I want to share the good news.  I worry less.  I am comfortable more.  I have a love and peace in my heart that I didn’t know existed.  I want all of the people I love to have the same joy that I do.  Yes, life is difficult.  Things happen that can seem impossible to get through.  Anything is possible with God.  My marriage is better.  I am working to clean the clutter from our home and my life.  I feel content.  Trevor is in a better place.  Although I miss him more than I can express and cannot wait to see him again, I have a job to do here.  I have been called to share a message of hope and love and peace.  I am not perfect.  I need to ask forgiveness every day, but I am living a life that I am proud of, one that I feel is a great example for my daughters.  I am kind.  I am learning to not judge others.  Prayer has changed my life.  It can change yours too. 

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:16


One response to “Prayer

  1. leah says:

    Love starting my day with words of hope from you ❤

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