What a beautiful morning in Northern Illinois!  The sun is shining and I am sitting on my deck with a cup of coffee and my laptop at 5:30 a.m.  I created this blog because I have been documenting much of my grief journey since the death of my 15 year-old son, Trevor, on December 9, 2011.  Previous writings have been in my own private journals, on my Facebook page, and also on the Facebook page of Serenity Hospice and Home.  Trevor’s death is the defining moment of my life.  As I read through a few of my earlier posts/writings, I am amazed at the place that I am now in my life, despite the incredible pain that I have been through in the past 3 and a half years.  I hope this blog serves as a voice of hope for anyone struggling, regardless of the reason for the struggle.  I have been through so much in my life and want to share how I have been able to turn all of the pain into something beautiful.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have my moments.  The life as a mother without one of her children living on this earth is not one for the faint hearted.  I am proof, though, that your life can get better, regardless of the circumstances.  Trevor is a light within my soul.  He is the inspiration to making a better life for our family.  My faith has been transformed.  I want to share it with the world.  Trevor’s life mattered.

Trevor died by suicide.  It was unexpected, unfathomable.  I have said in several of my writings that if someone would have brought up the topic of suicide to me, even on the morning that changed my life forever, I would have said, “That is so sad, but it would never happen in my family.”  I know differently now.  Suicide is not what so many people believe.  I thought it was a choice made by people with severe depression, drug issues, or huge financial struggles.  I have learned so much.

The post below was my first post following Trevor’s death.  It was written on my personal Facebook page two days after Trevor’s death.  I want people to understand where I have come from.  The light in my life today would not be possible without the very dark that it comes from.

FROM FACEBOOK, December 11, 2011…”Dear friends and family, as many of you know, I deleted my Facebook account to spend more time working on my MBA. In a blink of an eye, the rest of the plans for my life were changed. Jeff and I lost our son, Trevor Cox, on Friday evening, December 9, 2011. We were holding his hand, rubbing his head, and telling him how much he was loved as he left to receive his angel wings. The pain we are feeling is incredible and the heartbreak is stinging. We would have celebrated our 18 wedding anniversary yesterday, December 10, but instead we were with friends and family talking about the short 15 years that this amazing young man lived. For those of you that didn’t know Trevor, he was brilliant. He enjoyed music and had a beautiful deep voice. As I write this, I am crying as I wish I could hear him strumming his guitar and sing to me one more time. He was an actor. He performed in school plays, as well as several shows for VCCT in Rochelle. Trevor had recently received the role of Peter in Diary of Anne Frank and had already memorized his numerous lines, although rehearsals were not starting until January. He was a big fan of documentaries on any subject and would give commentaries to add to the information in the film to anyone watching with him. He was an encyclopedia of knowledge. He had a love of reading and enjoyed writing and creating his own music, as well as movie making. As for me, I have decided to drop out of the MBA program for now. I just want to hold my girls and Jeff, spend all the time with them that I can, and let the wonderful memories of my son sit within my soul that is hurting so desperately. For those of you that have been here to see us, brought food, called, and texted please know that we appreciate the wonderful outpouring of love for our family. It is true testament to what an impact Trevor made in his 15 years, as well as how much our family is loved. If you feel as though you don’t know what to say, just know that a hug or “I am thinking of you” is all we need. We are a believing family and the power of prayer is amazing. Say a prayer for my daughters and please know that although we are dying inside right now, we will get through with the overwhelming support of our friends, family, and community. Don’t let one day go by that you do not tell the people you love what they mean to you, because even though you feel it will never happen to you, it happens in a blink.”